Before Inebriety

Dearest ________,

It’s 2:14 a.m. and here I find myself thinking of you. Yes, thinking of you. It’s actually been a while since I last thought of you. It has been months in fact. And yet, all of a sudden here I am again. I saw you yesterday. You may not believe it but I tried my hardest to restrain myself from asking you how you were.

I thought I’d be over you but I am not. Seeing you for the first time in months has opened a floodgate of memories. Some of pain, but yet some undeniably, of happiness,

I miss you. I miss our senseless conversations. I miss the silence we share when you’re doing your job and I can’t help but stare at you. I miss the way you would just smile at me. I miss making you laugh and how you would cry because of such. I miss the way you would ask me whether I watched the latest episodes of your favorite soap opera when you know that it’s such a silly thing to ask a guy. I miss our dinners and your bottomless vegetable kare-kare. I miss watching movies with you and how you would raise an eyebrow on me because I would over-analyze the movie. I miss dancing with you. I miss holding your hand. I miss me without you… I miss you. Don’t you get it? I just miss you.

I thought I had moved on. That I had forgotten you. You hurt me. You hurt me so much I didn’t know what else to do. You left me on my knees that I had to crawl away so you wouldn’t see me. I had to pick the pieces of my broken heart on the floor. I had to pick the biggest of the pieces to try to make me whole again. Bu I couldn’t pick everything. Right now, many pieces are still missing.

I thought the distance and time would be enough to cure me. But then I saw you and in that instant everything just came rushing back. I saw you at the edge of my eye. I knew it was you. But that silhouette of you was enough. It opened a flood of memories.

You mean everything to me. And how I wanted that to be wrong but it is not. I tried everything to get over you. I tried to hate you… to ignore you… to deny you… to forget you… But all that are lies. And no amount of lies can ever conceal the pure and simple truth that I love you. That despite every pain, every ache, every tear that I shed… I still love you. Pathetic? Never. It is never a sin to love. It is never wrong to feel.

My friends tell me to forget about it and I would nod in agreement. But here I am finding myself thinking about you. Why can’t I forget you? Why don’t I want to? Please tell me they are wrong. Please tell that I should not forget about you…

There was a time… there was a night that I prayed would never end… when I just drowned in your eyes and I held you in my arms. There was a night that I never would have said goodbye to you. You may not remember it, but for me, that was everything. That was the night you told me to never leave your side. And for some reason… I never did. I’m still here. A bit farther away… but still here…

I know for you this is just a silly letter. This is inconsequential. But I write it nonetheless hoping that you would not think so. I write it hoping that you would remember that somewhere in this world… beyond what you know, what you see, and what you believe… there is a guy who loves you with no agenda and no expectations. That he is just there hoping you will remember that once in your life, you did know how to love him. That once in your life, you did love.

Still yours,
__________